Inside My Heart

I think we are all so much more complex than we ever are able to explore. I overthink everything. Even the question, "Who am I?"... such a seeminly simple question yet I spend a tremendous amount of time thinking about it. Who I am is always changing, so just when I think I've figured myself out, I ask myself the question again and I discover a new truth about myself.

Here's an example. I was driving home from swimming laps at Harbor this morning and I started thinking about who I was during my swim team years. I didn't just think about it, or replay the memories in my mind, for a brief moment I actually felt it. Warm, safe.....I was happy, confident and so filled with hope and possibility. I felt so much love for people at that point in my life. Never feeling anger or resentment toward anything or anyone. Never feeling judged and feeling loved and cared about by so many people. I started to smile thinking about how my girls must feel the same way. So loved by their peers and their teachers. I see that same light hearted truth in their faces. I see their love and trust for the world and the people around them. I didn't worry then about who might hurt me, judge me or critisize me. I didn't worry about who had bad intentions because in my mind the people that I cared about would always care about me in return. The people in my life.. my friends.. my family.. my swim team... they were my people and I never doubted that for a second.

Fast forward and I am a different person. Obviously some of that change comes with adulthood, but my spirit is different now. The circumstances of my life have changed the way I see the world and the way I see myself in it. I wish I could see the world as I saw it then. I would give anything to feel that safe and secure with people the way I did then. I would give anything to not worry about judgement and ridicule. There have been so many times throughout my life that the people that I thought would support me have not supported me or even made an attempt to understand what I was going through . Each of those experiences has changed me. Each of those judgements passed and unkind words spoken have stolen a piece of my heart.. pieces that will be forever missing.

Where I once moved through life with unwavering faith, knowing that if I put my heart out there it would be cared for... if I stumbled my people would be there to help me up... and when life DID challenge me it was evident that the people that I thought would always be there just weren't. It was a moment of truth... it was like the crowd separated and there stood the reality. There stood my real people. My family.. my sisters (both biological and not)... they've always taken the time to know what's in my heart and to see me for who I am.

In my heart is a girl... who loves life and wants life to love her back but the reality of the world is so present.. so real and undeniable. The reality is hard to overlook for someone like me who is constantly thinking, constantly hearing, constantly noticing....


To be continued........