People Bite

When I was a little girl I was terrified of large dogs after catching a horrific glimpse of the movie Kujo. From that point on when I heard the vigorous bark of a large dog, I'd freeze in terror. I would clutch my mom's hand tightly and close my eyes as we'd walk past a large dog for fear that we'd be attacked. I wanted nothing to do with dogs, even though I'd never been bitten.

It took years of patient reassurance from my mother for me to overcome my fear of dogs. I remember her saying, "Dogs are like people, some are very friendly and others are not so nice. You just have to be cautious but give them a chance. Not every dog bites. " Eventually, after some expiriences with some wonderful dogs, I got past my fear.

Over the last several years I've noticed a change in myself when it comes to how I interact with people. I find myself scared, withdrawn, and less likely to make eye contact. I hold my breath and sometimes even look away when people approach me. It was just this week as I was sitting on my deck enjoying a cup of coffee, that I thought about how much I've changed, and how much I miss the way I use to see the world. I forced myself to explore the reasons why, which lead me to replaying some very hurtful expiriences. I came to the realization that just like dogs, people bite, and I'm protecting myself in the same way that I did years ago when I assumed that every dog would sink his teeth into me and chew me apart. If you get bitten enough times, you protect yourself by not putting yourself in a situation where being bitten is a possibility. It's amazing that I was ever afraid of dogs considering I've never actually been hurt by one. People on the other hand, now that's a different story.

I don't want to be afraid of people. I want to take the advice my mother gave me and turn it around to fit my new situation, "People are like dogs, some are very friendly and others are not so nice. You just have to be cautious but give them a chance. Not every person bites."

I'm working on it. Each day I remind myself to persue life with the same passion I did before I'd been bitten.

Portrait of a Friendship

I can't give solutions to all of life's problems, doubts, or fears. But I can listen to you, and together we will search for answers.I can't change your past with all it's heartache and pain,nor the future with its untold stories.But I can be there now when you need me to care.I can't keep your feet from stumbling.I can only offer my hand that you may grasp it and not fall.Your joys, triumphs, successes, and happiness are not mine;Yet I can share in your laughter.Your decisions in life are not mine to make, nor to judge;I can only support you, encourage you,and help you when you ask.I can't prevent you from falling away from friendship, from your values, from me.I can only pray for you, talk to you and wait for you.I can't give you boundaries which I have determined for you,But I can give you the room to change, room to grow,room to be yourself.I can't keep your heart from breaking and hurting,But I can cry with you and help you pick up the piecesand put them back in place.I can't tell you who you are.I can only love you and be your friend.

- Unknown Author

Inside My Heart

I think we are all so much more complex than we ever are able to explore. I overthink everything. Even the question, "Who am I?"... such a seeminly simple question yet I spend a tremendous amount of time thinking about it. Who I am is always changing, so just when I think I've figured myself out, I ask myself the question again and I discover a new truth about myself.

Here's an example. I was driving home from swimming laps at Harbor this morning and I started thinking about who I was during my swim team years. I didn't just think about it, or replay the memories in my mind, for a brief moment I actually felt it. Warm, safe.....I was happy, confident and so filled with hope and possibility. I felt so much love for people at that point in my life. Never feeling anger or resentment toward anything or anyone. Never feeling judged and feeling loved and cared about by so many people. I started to smile thinking about how my girls must feel the same way. So loved by their peers and their teachers. I see that same light hearted truth in their faces. I see their love and trust for the world and the people around them. I didn't worry then about who might hurt me, judge me or critisize me. I didn't worry about who had bad intentions because in my mind the people that I cared about would always care about me in return. The people in my life.. my friends.. my family.. my swim team... they were my people and I never doubted that for a second.

Fast forward and I am a different person. Obviously some of that change comes with adulthood, but my spirit is different now. The circumstances of my life have changed the way I see the world and the way I see myself in it. I wish I could see the world as I saw it then. I would give anything to feel that safe and secure with people the way I did then. I would give anything to not worry about judgement and ridicule. There have been so many times throughout my life that the people that I thought would support me have not supported me or even made an attempt to understand what I was going through . Each of those experiences has changed me. Each of those judgements passed and unkind words spoken have stolen a piece of my heart.. pieces that will be forever missing.

Where I once moved through life with unwavering faith, knowing that if I put my heart out there it would be cared for... if I stumbled my people would be there to help me up... and when life DID challenge me it was evident that the people that I thought would always be there just weren't. It was a moment of truth... it was like the crowd separated and there stood the reality. There stood my real people. My family.. my sisters (both biological and not)... they've always taken the time to know what's in my heart and to see me for who I am.

In my heart is a girl... who loves life and wants life to love her back but the reality of the world is so present.. so real and undeniable. The reality is hard to overlook for someone like me who is constantly thinking, constantly hearing, constantly noticing....


To be continued........

Urban Dictionary

ass clown (ás kloun) n.: one, who, through the fault of his parents conception, is a skid mark in society's collective underwear.

At Summer Fest, my non biological little sister, was fixated on the use of the word "ass clown" ... I have to admit, even though I should discourage her from calling me and anyone else she can get away with calling an assclown, I couldn't help but laugh. Life is too short to be taken too seriously and for whatever reason, think of her calling herself and the rest of us "assclown"... makes me smile.

I love you, Serena!

Twitter Joy

I've found a new joy, a new passion, a new OBSESSION! Twitter! People are so interesting. I've always found hearing what other people have to say so fascinating. For me, it's not about tweeting. It's about hearing what others have to say. I'm infatuated.