When I was a little girl I was terrified of large dogs after catching a horrific glimpse of the movie Kujo. From that point on when I heard the vigorous bark of a large dog, I'd freeze in terror. I would clutch my mom's hand tightly and close my eyes as we'd walk past a large dog for fear that we'd be attacked. I wanted nothing to do with dogs, even though I'd never been bitten.
It took years of patient reassurance from my mother for me to overcome my fear of dogs. I remember her saying, "Dogs are like people, some are very friendly and others are not so nice. You just have to be cautious but give them a chance. Not every dog bites. " Eventually, after some expiriences with some wonderful dogs, I got past my fear.
Over the last several years I've noticed a change in myself when it comes to how I interact with people. I find myself scared, withdrawn, and less likely to make eye contact. I hold my breath and sometimes even look away when people approach me. It was just this week as I was sitting on my deck enjoying a cup of coffee, that I thought about how much I've changed, and how much I miss the way I use to see the world. I forced myself to explore the reasons why, which lead me to replaying some very hurtful expiriences. I came to the realization that just like dogs, people bite, and I'm protecting myself in the same way that I did years ago when I assumed that every dog would sink his teeth into me and chew me apart. If you get bitten enough times, you protect yourself by not putting yourself in a situation where being bitten is a possibility. It's amazing that I was ever afraid of dogs considering I've never actually been hurt by one. People on the other hand, now that's a different story.
I don't want to be afraid of people. I want to take the advice my mother gave me and turn it around to fit my new situation, "People are like dogs, some are very friendly and others are not so nice. You just have to be cautious but give them a chance. Not every person bites."
I'm working on it. Each day I remind myself to persue life with the same passion I did before I'd been bitten.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Portrait of a Friendship
I can't give solutions to all of life's problems, doubts, or fears. But I can listen to you, and together we will search for answers.I can't change your past with all it's heartache and pain,nor the future with its untold stories.But I can be there now when you need me to care.I can't keep your feet from stumbling.I can only offer my hand that you may grasp it and not fall.Your joys, triumphs, successes, and happiness are not mine;Yet I can share in your laughter.Your decisions in life are not mine to make, nor to judge;I can only support you, encourage you,and help you when you ask.I can't prevent you from falling away from friendship, from your values, from me.I can only pray for you, talk to you and wait for you.I can't give you boundaries which I have determined for you,But I can give you the room to change, room to grow,room to be yourself.I can't keep your heart from breaking and hurting,But I can cry with you and help you pick up the piecesand put them back in place.I can't tell you who you are.I can only love you and be your friend.
- Unknown Author
- Unknown Author
Inside My Heart
I think we are all so much more complex than we ever are able to explore. I overthink everything. Even the question, "Who am I?"... such a seeminly simple question yet I spend a tremendous amount of time thinking about it. Who I am is always changing, so just when I think I've figured myself out, I ask myself the question again and I discover a new truth about myself.
Here's an example. I was driving home from swimming laps at Harbor this morning and I started thinking about who I was during my swim team years. I didn't just think about it, or replay the memories in my mind, for a brief moment I actually felt it. Warm, safe.....I was happy, confident and so filled with hope and possibility. I felt so much love for people at that point in my life. Never feeling anger or resentment toward anything or anyone. Never feeling judged and feeling loved and cared about by so many people. I started to smile thinking about how my girls must feel the same way. So loved by their peers and their teachers. I see that same light hearted truth in their faces. I see their love and trust for the world and the people around them. I didn't worry then about who might hurt me, judge me or critisize me. I didn't worry about who had bad intentions because in my mind the people that I cared about would always care about me in return. The people in my life.. my friends.. my family.. my swim team... they were my people and I never doubted that for a second.
Fast forward and I am a different person. Obviously some of that change comes with adulthood, but my spirit is different now. The circumstances of my life have changed the way I see the world and the way I see myself in it. I wish I could see the world as I saw it then. I would give anything to feel that safe and secure with people the way I did then. I would give anything to not worry about judgement and ridicule. There have been so many times throughout my life that the people that I thought would support me have not supported me or even made an attempt to understand what I was going through . Each of those experiences has changed me. Each of those judgements passed and unkind words spoken have stolen a piece of my heart.. pieces that will be forever missing.
Where I once moved through life with unwavering faith, knowing that if I put my heart out there it would be cared for... if I stumbled my people would be there to help me up... and when life DID challenge me it was evident that the people that I thought would always be there just weren't. It was a moment of truth... it was like the crowd separated and there stood the reality. There stood my real people. My family.. my sisters (both biological and not)... they've always taken the time to know what's in my heart and to see me for who I am.
In my heart is a girl... who loves life and wants life to love her back but the reality of the world is so present.. so real and undeniable. The reality is hard to overlook for someone like me who is constantly thinking, constantly hearing, constantly noticing....
To be continued........
Here's an example. I was driving home from swimming laps at Harbor this morning and I started thinking about who I was during my swim team years. I didn't just think about it, or replay the memories in my mind, for a brief moment I actually felt it. Warm, safe.....I was happy, confident and so filled with hope and possibility. I felt so much love for people at that point in my life. Never feeling anger or resentment toward anything or anyone. Never feeling judged and feeling loved and cared about by so many people. I started to smile thinking about how my girls must feel the same way. So loved by their peers and their teachers. I see that same light hearted truth in their faces. I see their love and trust for the world and the people around them. I didn't worry then about who might hurt me, judge me or critisize me. I didn't worry about who had bad intentions because in my mind the people that I cared about would always care about me in return. The people in my life.. my friends.. my family.. my swim team... they were my people and I never doubted that for a second.
Fast forward and I am a different person. Obviously some of that change comes with adulthood, but my spirit is different now. The circumstances of my life have changed the way I see the world and the way I see myself in it. I wish I could see the world as I saw it then. I would give anything to feel that safe and secure with people the way I did then. I would give anything to not worry about judgement and ridicule. There have been so many times throughout my life that the people that I thought would support me have not supported me or even made an attempt to understand what I was going through . Each of those experiences has changed me. Each of those judgements passed and unkind words spoken have stolen a piece of my heart.. pieces that will be forever missing.
Where I once moved through life with unwavering faith, knowing that if I put my heart out there it would be cared for... if I stumbled my people would be there to help me up... and when life DID challenge me it was evident that the people that I thought would always be there just weren't. It was a moment of truth... it was like the crowd separated and there stood the reality. There stood my real people. My family.. my sisters (both biological and not)... they've always taken the time to know what's in my heart and to see me for who I am.
In my heart is a girl... who loves life and wants life to love her back but the reality of the world is so present.. so real and undeniable. The reality is hard to overlook for someone like me who is constantly thinking, constantly hearing, constantly noticing....
To be continued........
Urban Dictionary
ass clown (ás kloun) n.: one, who, through the fault of his parents conception, is a skid mark in society's collective underwear.
At Summer Fest, my non biological little sister, was fixated on the use of the word "ass clown" ... I have to admit, even though I should discourage her from calling me and anyone else she can get away with calling an assclown, I couldn't help but laugh. Life is too short to be taken too seriously and for whatever reason, think of her calling herself and the rest of us "assclown"... makes me smile.
I love you, Serena!
At Summer Fest, my non biological little sister, was fixated on the use of the word "ass clown" ... I have to admit, even though I should discourage her from calling me and anyone else she can get away with calling an assclown, I couldn't help but laugh. Life is too short to be taken too seriously and for whatever reason, think of her calling herself and the rest of us "assclown"... makes me smile.
I love you, Serena!
Twitter Joy
I've found a new joy, a new passion, a new OBSESSION! Twitter! People are so interesting. I've always found hearing what other people have to say so fascinating. For me, it's not about tweeting. It's about hearing what others have to say. I'm infatuated.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
I think that anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that I've always been a very fair and non judgmental person. Unfortunately, we live in a world where judgement is all around us, and people generally are not fair. I remember my grandmother always saying, "don't believe anything that you hear and only half of what you see." I guess I just grew up in a relatively none judgmental, non gossiping atmosphere. The topics of conversation in my house were never about what was going on in other peoples lives. If it didn't effect us, we didn't discuss it. It is still hard for me to understand why people spend so much time focused on what's going on in the lives of the people around them. Wouldn't that time be better spent focusing on ones own life? I live in a small community where everyone knows what's going on in everyone elses lives, except me. I am seriously not in touch with what's going on. I always say, I'm greatful to be out of the loop. It's none of my business. I don't make it my priority to keep on on the community gossip or to know when my neighbor pulls a new vehicle into the driveway. I'm the last person in the neighborhood to notice when someone puts their house up for sale, and by the time that I notice that one of my children's friends parents are no longer together it's already old news. "Oh, didn't you know that he cheated on her with two of his co-workers last fall?" Nope, I didn't know that and quite frankly it's non of my business. I barely know those people and why do you care? It's just all a little strange to me. Time is so precious to me that I can't imagine spending any of it talking about such meaningless stuff. Obviously those topics have meaning to the people who are involved and who are closest to them, but to someone on the outside of it.. do they not have better things to do? Just because I've met someone in passing or my child is friends with their daughter, doesn't give me any right to discuss or have an opinion on what is going on in their personal lives. I guess that I've just always thought that it's important to have very reliable information before judging someone or contributing to the deterioration of their pupblic reputation. Don't we all have some level of responsibility for not hurting each other, for not contributing to this epidemic.
I actually had someone tell me recently that she saw a married mutal friend getting "frisky" with a guy at a bar,..... sitting close, leaning in, talking intently, smiling, flirting.. you get the picture. The person telling me was disgusted and thought that someone should contact her husband and let him know that his wife was cheating on him. First of all, even if the alegations were true and she was getting inappropriately friendly, that's hardly cheating (such drama some people love to create) and secondly, is it really any of YOUR business. Anyway, weeks later I found out that it was the woman's cousin that she had not seen in almost 5 years that she was so engrossed in conversation with. See these are the workings of a small town. You can't even have a warm and focused conversation with your own cousin without becoming the town slut.
I actually had a friend in my early 20's who was dating a guy who later was rumored to be HIV positive. Can you imagine the anquish of this young girl and her family when they heard this rumor several weeks after their daughter stopped seeing this guy. Then imagine the embarassment of the guy when he is confronted not by the girl he dated, but by her family. Imagine how that effected his ability to date (after the rumor got out it must have hurt his chances of dating) and then the girls ability to trust guys in the future. It's not just an innocent little piece of gossip, it haunts people for their whole lives long.
Imagine the impact it might have to imply that someone is not the fater of a child. "She was sleeping with so and so, it might not be her husbands baby." Imagine the implications of that if it is not true, yet it gets back to the husband. A husband who is never able to truly trust his wife, who questions if the baby is his, and a woman who has done nothing wrong but will have to spend the rest of her life proving that she is trustworthy. A child, who has done nothing but be born, who will forever be an area of doubt in his father's eyes.
I just have never understood why people gossip and pass judgment as a way of elevating themselves. It's not an accurate measure of who you are as a person. The fact that someone else is going through a rough spot in their live or makes poor choices doesn't make anyone a better person. I'm a better person today because I've learned from past mistakes, not because my neighbor went to jail and the woman on the PTO is sleeping with the town minister. Non of that has any importance in my life or says anything about who I am as a person. I just don't get it, yet it continues day after day and in someways is a favorite passtime for many people.
I will spend my days focusing on what's going on in the lives of the people that I love, focusing on building a better future for my children, and on improving who I am as a person without having to judge other people or use the accomplishments or failures of people in my community as a standard by which I judge myself. I'm proud of myself, and the way that I was raised. I don't judge people who gossip. I don't think I'm better than they are. I just don't understand it and I pray that I can raise my children to avoid it in their lives.
I am happy to be me. (great title for a blog right?)
I actually had someone tell me recently that she saw a married mutal friend getting "frisky" with a guy at a bar,..... sitting close, leaning in, talking intently, smiling, flirting.. you get the picture. The person telling me was disgusted and thought that someone should contact her husband and let him know that his wife was cheating on him. First of all, even if the alegations were true and she was getting inappropriately friendly, that's hardly cheating (such drama some people love to create) and secondly, is it really any of YOUR business. Anyway, weeks later I found out that it was the woman's cousin that she had not seen in almost 5 years that she was so engrossed in conversation with. See these are the workings of a small town. You can't even have a warm and focused conversation with your own cousin without becoming the town slut.
I actually had a friend in my early 20's who was dating a guy who later was rumored to be HIV positive. Can you imagine the anquish of this young girl and her family when they heard this rumor several weeks after their daughter stopped seeing this guy. Then imagine the embarassment of the guy when he is confronted not by the girl he dated, but by her family. Imagine how that effected his ability to date (after the rumor got out it must have hurt his chances of dating) and then the girls ability to trust guys in the future. It's not just an innocent little piece of gossip, it haunts people for their whole lives long.
Imagine the impact it might have to imply that someone is not the fater of a child. "She was sleeping with so and so, it might not be her husbands baby." Imagine the implications of that if it is not true, yet it gets back to the husband. A husband who is never able to truly trust his wife, who questions if the baby is his, and a woman who has done nothing wrong but will have to spend the rest of her life proving that she is trustworthy. A child, who has done nothing but be born, who will forever be an area of doubt in his father's eyes.
I just have never understood why people gossip and pass judgment as a way of elevating themselves. It's not an accurate measure of who you are as a person. The fact that someone else is going through a rough spot in their live or makes poor choices doesn't make anyone a better person. I'm a better person today because I've learned from past mistakes, not because my neighbor went to jail and the woman on the PTO is sleeping with the town minister. Non of that has any importance in my life or says anything about who I am as a person. I just don't get it, yet it continues day after day and in someways is a favorite passtime for many people.
I will spend my days focusing on what's going on in the lives of the people that I love, focusing on building a better future for my children, and on improving who I am as a person without having to judge other people or use the accomplishments or failures of people in my community as a standard by which I judge myself. I'm proud of myself, and the way that I was raised. I don't judge people who gossip. I don't think I'm better than they are. I just don't understand it and I pray that I can raise my children to avoid it in their lives.
I am happy to be me. (great title for a blog right?)
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Saturday Morning Coffee
Joy comes in many forms, but for me one of the most simple pleasures in life is Saturday morning coffee. Not that Coffee any other day is bad, but Saturday morning is often the first day of the week that I can sit in my comfty green chair, feet up, news on, fuzzy brown blanket keeping my frozen toes toasty warm with a steaming hot glass of morning blend coffee with just the perfect amount of french vanilla creamer to make the otherwise black doffee the perfect shade of tan. Any other day I can't fully appreciate my yummy cup of coffee, but on Saturday mornings while the rest of the house is quiet, and the morning sun has not yet made it's appearance it is truly the most tranquil time of the week. It is seldom that I allow myself to take time just for me, but this is my time each week and I cherish it.
Typically, my daughter Bella who is by far my most affectionate and snuggly child, somehow always wakes up right before the sun comes up. I hear her footsteps against the hard wood floor as she rounds the corner from the hallway into the greatroom. Her warm pink cheeks, sleepy eyes, and messy hair warm my heart. Before she gets to my chair I lift my fuzzy brown blanket for her to jump in and snuggle. It's our routine. Coffee in my left hand, Bella snuggled on my right leg, her soft warm cheek against my chest and I flip from the news (that I dearly love to watch) to her favorite morning cartoons. I continue to sip on my coffee until Abby wakes up and then my coffee hand becomes occupied as Abby snuggles into my lap and we discuss her night time accomplishments - staying dry all night, sleeping the whole night through in her own bed, having good dreams. Saturday mornings before the sun comes up is the absolute best time of the week. Coffee, news, snuggle and cartoons - what more could a mom ask for?
I am so happy to be me!
Typically, my daughter Bella who is by far my most affectionate and snuggly child, somehow always wakes up right before the sun comes up. I hear her footsteps against the hard wood floor as she rounds the corner from the hallway into the greatroom. Her warm pink cheeks, sleepy eyes, and messy hair warm my heart. Before she gets to my chair I lift my fuzzy brown blanket for her to jump in and snuggle. It's our routine. Coffee in my left hand, Bella snuggled on my right leg, her soft warm cheek against my chest and I flip from the news (that I dearly love to watch) to her favorite morning cartoons. I continue to sip on my coffee until Abby wakes up and then my coffee hand becomes occupied as Abby snuggles into my lap and we discuss her night time accomplishments - staying dry all night, sleeping the whole night through in her own bed, having good dreams. Saturday mornings before the sun comes up is the absolute best time of the week. Coffee, news, snuggle and cartoons - what more could a mom ask for?
I am so happy to be me!
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